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Subject: FFFBI Agent Nelson

Dateline: May 22, 10:04 a.m.

Eventually, all the law enforcement staff assemble in the Briefing Room. Agent Solomon, a hammerhead shark, is Duty Officer, and he's waiting to start the day's roster. He's wearing a cheap Groucho Marx disguise. You know the kind: false nose, plastic glasses and a fake moustache. To you and me he looks like a big old hammerhead shark with a cheap Groucho Marx disguise, but there's a buzz of mystery and excitement among the assembled Agents.

"Hey! Who's the new Duty Officer?" says a cat from the Cat Burglary Investigations Unit.

"I've no idea," says a dirty rat from the Informants Group. "What happened to Agent Solomon?"

Hold your horses. Did we say cats and rats? Together? How come we're not looking at a cat with a rat sandwich? Here's why: the Golden Rule at the Bureau is that predatory laws of the animal kingdom are suspended when they walk in the door. This place is run by rank, and authority comes from being senior, not by being bigger or stronger than the next creature.

There are also a few neat tricks with oxygen pellets that let the sea animals function on land, in case you were wondering.

"Maybe Agent Solomon has been replaced," says the cat.

But with a flourish, Solomon pulls off his glasses. (Here we are squarely in the world of Clark Kent: with glasses on, no one sees that he's really Superman.) There is a ripple of applause and exclamation of surprise.

Agent Solomon keeps his reputation as Master of Disguise. Which is no small thing for a hammerhead shark in a suit.

"Ta-da!" says Agent Solomon.

A goody two-shoes meerkat sticks her head up out of the crowd. "Brilliant, Sir. Bravo. One of your best."

"That was a brief lesson for you all entitled 'Never Let Down Your Guard.' But let's get to the day's roster. Who's not here?"

The goody two-shoes meerkat answers. "Agent O'Leary is at the dentist, Sir."

"Again? Wasn't she at the dentist yesterday?" Solomon looks at his clipboard. "And the day before?"

"I think she's had a hard time finding a good dentist, Sir."

That seems to be true. If we sneak a peak across town we can see Agent O'Leary. She is what can fairly be described as a crocodile. And she is swishing around the floor of the dentist's office. Her mouth is wide open. The dental staff—a chipmunk and two flamingoes, all in white lab coats—are perched on the operating chair, screaming. They've jacked it up as high as it will go and the flamingoes' heads are touching the overhead lights.

Her mouth is wider still. "It's this one at the back. It's killing me. Aaaahhhh," garbles O'Leary. There are more screams from the dental staff.

Back at the Bureau, we're still on roll call. "Anyone else absent?" asks the Duty Officer.

The meerkat sticks her head up again. Her next suggestion provokes snickers from the room.

"The Deputy Director isn't here, Sir."

Solomon looks at his clipboard. He says, unconvincingly, "The Deputy Director is working from home today on important Bureau business."

More snickers. We know, from the portraits of top Bureau brass behind Solomon's head, that the Deputy Director is a well-fed penguin. In the portrait he sits in a formal leather chair, looking important.

At the Deputy Director's house we can see a chilly looking swimming pool. The Deputy Director, in a beach chair, floats happily on a big sheet of ice in the middle of the pool. A tall glass of milk with an umbrella in it, and a plate of doughnuts, are at his side. He's reading a copy of "Celebrity Penguin."

"Important Bureau business, yes indeed," says Solomon. "Now to today's assignments. Today's Alpha Team..."

Nelson sits up. He is usually picked for the Alpha. That's the first team, with the toughest mission.

"Today's Alpha Team is made up of Agents Glitch and Surge, along with Agents Elbow and Wrist. There's word on the street that CRUST is developing some kind of high-frequency transmission device that can make anyone who hears it have accelerated ear-hair growth. Our political figures will be the laughingstock of the world if they turn up at the International Summit with uncontrollable ear-beards."

Nelson sinks a little in his seat. Okay, so he hasn't been picked for the Alpha. Agents Glitch and Surge were expert computer bugs, and Agents Elbow and Wrist, a chicken and a hamster, were top notch. He doesn't feel too bad. "It's a good team. I should give someone else a break," he says to himself. The four Agents pack their notes, ready to leave.

"Beta Team." Beta: that's Team Number Two. Nelson expectantly starts to pack his own papers and pen.

"The Beta Team today is Agents LeMoo, McGurk and Kodo. You three are assigned to assist a C.I.I.I.A. surveillance operation at Pensacola."

LeMoo is the language specialist. McGurk is something of a maverick, a loner, and a great undercover guy. Kodo is a komodo dragon, and is a pretty tough cookie. Not a bad team. All the same, Nelson sinks into his chair. He's never been passed over for the first two teams before. But the pattern continues and twenty minutes later, Nelson is the only one still seated.

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