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Subject: FFFBI Agent Nelson

Dateline: May 22, 10:41 a.m.

"Mr. Nelson, I have a special assignment for you," says Duty Officer Solomon. Nelson barely looks up. He's glum.

"We have a V.I.C.—a Very Important Chicken—coming in from the Ukraine. She's arriving early for the International Summit." Referring to his notes, Solomon adds, "She's from Kiev. She's attending an important planning meeting at the Bureau. I'd like you to..."

"Run a background check? Interrogate her? Put a wire on her?" offers Nelson hopefully, trying to stave off the embarrassment of being picked last.

"Actually, she's got daycare issues. I'd like you to take her two little chicks to the movies or the fairground or something. Sorry, Nelson. You have a way with kids. They'll all be coming in this afternoon, and the Kiev chicken will be busy here with the Director."

Without saying a word, Nelson picks up his briefing papers and heads back home. His trunk is dragging along the ground. Why was he passed over? As he passes the typing pool he sees two of the secretary birds talking, and hears one say, "Have you noticed Agent Nelson's big underwear..."

He storms in, like an elephant in a typing pool. "My big underwear? I'm an elephant! Of course I have big underwear!" he trumpets loudly with a blast of air. Both birds' feathers are completely ruffled, as if they've been sucked into, then blown out of, a sturdy vacuum cleaner.

"Er... I'm s-s-s-sorry, Mr. Agent Nelson, Sir," stammers one of the birds. "I didn't say, 'big underwear.' I asked if she'd noticed you'd BEGUN TO WEAR some new shirts. They're very nice."

"But, er... I'm sure your underwear is just the right size for you, Sir," says the other, unhelpfully.

Were those birds really talking about his underwear?

Nelson apologizes. He looks sheepish, or as sheepish as an elephant can, and he trundles off. He doesn't normally snap like that. But his ripped pants and third-rate chicken-sitting "mission" had left him thinking. Was he too BIG? Everyone who got assigned was SMALLER than him. Those TINY computer bugs got the top job.

And now his big ears seem to pick up a thousand conversations.

Is everyone talking about him, saying he's fat?

"...fat chance...," he hears someone say.

"...now here's a but, and it's a big but..."

"...that's big of you..."

"...do you want jumbo fries with that?"

"Yes, please," says Nelson glumly as he picks up three double cheeseburgers from the Cardiac Attack Snack Shack just outside the Bureau building.

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